I accidentally burped into my bong.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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