I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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