while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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