I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
