Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
