Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
