i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
