dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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