He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
