what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
