He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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