is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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