you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
