i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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