dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
