How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm sobbing to NWA
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
