I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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