I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
