oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
