I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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