I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
