The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
