and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
