I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need to align my fucking chakras
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
