Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize