Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
