I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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