Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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