I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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