On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
