Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
