I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
