quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize