I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I intend to get homeless drunk
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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