I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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