You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
