Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
