my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
