I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
