On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
