I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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