Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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