I showed him my bush... on skype.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
