I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
