Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
