I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
