Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
