Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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