There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
foreskin is a definite game changer
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
