I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
