1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
