I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
