Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
