Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
