I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hippo gnu deer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
