Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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